Mami
by Johanna-002
Summary: Happy Birthday, VausesandSpanishHarlem. "Motherhood was a constant, never-ending job, one with very little tangible reward or even help. Never mind a break." Set pre-series. Gloria centric.


**Title:** Mami

**Summary: **Happy Birthday VausesandSpanishHarlem. "Motherhood was a constant, never-ending job, one with very little tangible reward or even help. Never mind a break." Set pre-series. Gloria centric.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own OITNB or any of its characters. They belong to Jenji Kohen, I do, however, own my writing so please don't steal- Johanna002©

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_A/N: Happy Birthday! I hope you enjoy this. I'm posting early because I don't have the patience to wait a few more hours. XOX_

-01-

Gloria touched her hand to her head, turning to look up at the dark and gray clouds as they thundered and boomed, lightning crackling widely in the sky. She hadn't imagined that her day could get worse, but as the first droplets of water, that she'd felt land on her head, turned into a powerful and endless storm, she realized she had never been more wrong.

"You've got to be fuckin' kiddin' me!" she cursed at the sky as the rain began to ferociously poor down on her. "It's always something isn't it?"

Tears instantly pricked her eyes and she did not hold back. She surrendered to her emotions and leaned heavily against the door of her bodega, sobbing. There was just always something; always a dilemma, that prohibited her from finding her sanity. If it wasn't bills, or Lourdes, or her children demanding every second of her day, then it was something else. All the time, it felt like everything was this ball of crushing weight just sitting on her chest, wanting to completely incapacitate her with its suffocating pressure. Sometimes the world just felt so dark and empty, and the thought of having to make it through another day exhausted her to no end.

Licking her lips, she pushed herself from the door and began to make the long walk to her aunt's apartment. She'd had such a bad day and knowing that she was going to have to go home and tend to four children completely overwhelmed her. She didn't have it in herself to be super mom tonight. All she wanted to do was take a hot, uninterrupted shower and sleep. Admitting that to herself caused another sob to fuel guilt through her veins because other than completing their bedtime routine and morning routine with them, she hadn't seen them or done anything fun with them in what felt like forever. It felt like the only times she ever talked to them lately was when she was screaming at them to behave and do as she asked.

Hugging her arms tightly around herself, she shivered. The rising temperature that her internal anger had been brewing seemed to dissipate slightly, and she wondered if the rain was doing her a favor. The last thing she wanted to do was get home and spread her bad mood like the plague. She and Lourdes had already been arguing far too often lately and no part of her wanted to argue anymore. She and her aunt were too alike for their own good. They'd never been the best at communicating with one another, but the added stress of living in such close proximity, while simultaneously trying to co-parents four children, was enough to drive anyone insane, even on the most peaceful of days and best of terms.

After a couple more blocks, Gloria finally reached her apartment building. She took the stairs up two at a time, her hand clutching tightly to the railing. Entering the apartment, she closed and quickly locked the door behind her.

"Hola, Mija," Lourdes greeted Gloria as she exited the kitchen. "Oh!" she exclaimed in surprise, "you're soaking! Wait here, let me get you a towel."

"Garcias," Gloria shivered as she toed out of her tennis shoes and pulled off her socks.

"I was expecting you a lot earlier," Lourdes told her as she draped the towel over her shoulders. She rubbed her hands up and down the length of her niece's arms in a bid to help her get warm. "I just put up dinner, give me a minute and to warm up your plate. Okay?"

"Thank you," Gloria said quietly as she looked at the four backpacks and shoes lined up against the wall.

"Come sit down, come talk to me," Lourdes beckoned her.

"Where are the kids?" Gloria frowned, noting how quiet the apartment was. She sat down heavily at the table and instantly was overtook by the need to yawn. "Did you put their stuff by the door?"

"Yes, and the kids are already asleep. I checked their backpacks and I gave Elena the money for her field trip next week, so don't worry about it. She was a big help today with getting everyone showered, dressed and put down. I wanted to give her the money."

"I didn't know she had a field trip," Gloria said as she rubbed her hand awkwardly through her hair. She whimpered as a few pieces came loose around her fingers. She'd noticed more and more falling out lately and knew it was her body's way of dealing with the immense amount of stress she was under. "But, thank you," she told her aunt sincerely, "I really appreciate it."

"No problem," Lourdes shrugged her off as she moved around their cramped kitchen. "How was work, Mijita, were you busy?

"I don't know why I agreed to run that stupid store," Gloria said tiredly. Every cell in her body felt depleted, making it a struggle just to keep her eyes open and get through the pleasantries of a simple conversation.

Lourdes frowned. "I thought you liked being your own boss?"

"I thought I would too, but it feels as if I'm just losing money," she explained. "I caught three different people trying to steal today. One kid couldn't have been older than fifteen and you know what the fucker did?"

"No?" Lourdes frowned

"He flashed his gun at me!"

"What? He pulled a gun on you?"

"He didn't pull it out, but he lifted up his shirt to show me. I just froze. I didn't know what to do. I didn't think a few bags of chips was worth getting killed over."

"I'm sorry that happened, Mija. It's one reason I get so worried that you work so late by yourself. Did you call the cops?"

"It was the middle of the day, like around two. I didn't call anyone though. When have the cops ever cared about what happened to anyone in this neighborhood?"

Lourdes set the plate of rice, beans, and fajita down in front of her. "What do you think you're going to do?" she asked. Turning back to the cabinet she pulled down a glass and quickly filled it with water before placing it down in front of her niece.

"Sell the place and move back to Florida?" Gloria asked jokingly as she picked around at the beans on her plate.

"What about the girls' dad?" Lourdes asked with a frown, her brows furrowing in concern. "I thought Chris got it stated in the custody agreement that you couldn't move them out of state?"

"He did," Gloria sighed. Propping her elbow up on the table, she rested her head against her closed fist. "I don't know what I am going to do," she admitted. "For once I'd like something in my life to go my way. Just once."

Sitting down across from her, Lourdes reached for her hand. "You'll be okay," she reassured her. "I know it's hard right now, but things will get better, Mija. They always do."

Smiling sadly, Gloria brought a small bite of rice to her mouth. "What about you?" she asked. She brought another bite to her lips and covered her mouth with her hand. "How was your day? I hope it was a lot better than mine."

"It was, actually," Lourdes said as she reclined back in her seat and crossed her arms over her chest. "You know, with all the activity happening around here, I sometimes forget how much I really love those kids of yours. I picked them up from school today, and we went to the park and they played. I had them run a couple of hills, the way I used to make you do when you were small. Do you remember?"

Gloria chuckled softly and took a small sip from her water. "Yea, I remember," she nodded her head. "I wish I could have gone today," she said wistfully. "I feel like I hardly get to see them anymore and when I do, I feel like all I do is yell. Like this morning, I lost it because no one wanted to put on their shoes, everyone seemed to forget how to tie laces. Then I turned around and Elena is pulling everything out of her backpack. Isla is throwing a fit because Benny pulled her ponytail, and Julio, I don't know what his deal was, but when he started screaming and crying, I just wanted to sit down on the floor and join him."

Despite how frustrated she could tell her niece was, Lourdes smiled. "Well, Amor, no one said being a mom was easy. You do the best you can and that's all anyone can ask for. Those kids don't hold anything against you."

"How do you know that?" Gloria asked with a frown. "I wouldn't like me either if I was them. I'm not very much fun these days."

"Well, who would be?" Lourdes asked in exasperation. "Your apartment building caught on fire, you're sleeping in between four kids on a mattress on the floor. Both Chris and Leo act like the world is ending when you ask for money. Tell me one person who could handle all of that as well as you can?"

Gloria shrugged and pushed her plate away. As hungry as she was, she didn't have the energy to eat.

"No, ma'am." Her aunt pushed the plate back toward her and pointed at it with a stern finger. "Eat some of the meat," she told her in a serious tone. "You haven't been eating enough lately, Gloria. I don't like how skinny you've become."

"I know, but I'm really just not hungry." Every day, for months, she'd felt her appetite getting smaller and smaller, and her clothes were getting bigger and bigger. Her own reflection scared the hell out of her.

"You're too young to be this stressed out, Mijita."

"I feel like I'm a sixty-year-old woman, the only thing I need now is a bad back," Gloria joked as she rested her against the wall behind her. She felt her eyes begin to grow heavy and fought against the temptation to fall asleep right there. For months she'd been working nonstop, nearly every day, and then from her long hours at the bodega she'd come home and put in even more hours with her children.

"Florecita, I know I don't say it enough, but you're doing a great job with those kids. They love you. Why do you think Elena was such a big help today?"

Gloria opened her eyes, a sad expression coloring her face. "Because I put too much on her," she admitted.

"No," Lourdes shook her head. "Because she loves you, and she wants to help. She's only ten, Gloria, she's bound to have her days when she just needs to be a kid and throw a fit. I know it doesn't seem that way now with how out of hand things around here get, but you'll miss this stage of your life."

The corner of Gloria's lips curled upward in a smile. "I appreciate that," she told Lourdes sincerely. "Thank you… thank you for everything. I know I don't always make it easy and I know it's a lot, but I don't know what I would do without you."

Motherhood was a constant, never-ending job, one with very little tangible reward or even help. Never mind a break. Lourdes did what she could, but most days even she gave resistance to helping Gloria out. From her own mouth, her aunt had just admitted to not finding complete joy in the fact that she had to spend so much time with the kids, and Gloria didn't necessarily blame her. Her aunt was nearly fifty years old. It wasn't her job to pick them up from school and to watch and entertain them until she got home from work, but Gloria appreciated the fact that she stepped up to the plate and did it. Not many people would, and despite the times when they bumped heads and were at one another's throats, she knew she'd never be able to do it alone.

The sound of little feet running through the living room caught Gloria's attention and she turned her head to see her son as he ran right past her and to her aunt.

Thunder clapped violently in the sky and Benny moved to climb onto his aunt's lap. "Mami?" he asked his aunt worriedly.

Lourdes laughed softly, shaking her head as she pointed over his shoulder. "She's right behind you, silly. You ran right past her."

"Mami!" Turning on his heel, Benny squealed happily at the sight of his mother. He reached his arms out for her eagerly and wrapped them tight around her neck as she brought him to sit in her lap. "Hola, Mami," he buried his face against her shoulder.

"Hi, baby," she kissed his head. "What are you doing up?" she asked. "Did the rain wake you up?"

"Yea," he told as his hand reached for the necklace she wore, twisting it around his fingers. Looking down at her, he frowned. "Why are you wet?" he asked her disapprovingly.

"I was in the rain," she told him.

His eyes widened and he grasped her face in his hands. "Why?" he asked her, pressing his forehead to hers.

"I was at work," she answered, "I walked home."

"You need a car," he told her wisely.

She nodded her head and kissed his cheek. "Are you going to buy me one?" she asked.

"Yes!" he declared. "And a castle."

"You're going to buy me a castle too?" Her eyes widened in astonishment and she dropped her jaw in mock surprise.

"Yes," he told her, rubbing his nose against hers. "Because you're a princess."

"I am?"

"Yes."

"You're so sweet to me," she cooed, stroking her hand through his hair. "I love you so much. Do you know that?"

"Yes," he told her as he tried to stand up on her lap.

"Do you love me?"

"Yes," he told her.

Lifting him up slightly, Gloria maneuvered him so that he was once against sitting on her lap. "It's getting late my little prince," she told him. "I think we need to get you back to bed. You have school tomorrow."

Benny sighed. Laying his head against her chest, he looked up at her with wide, brown eyes. "Are you going to lay down with me?" he asked.

Gloria touched her forehead to his, sweetly kissing his nose. "Yes, I will," she told him gently. Rising to her feet, her son secured in her arms, she tipped him over sideways in front of Lourdes and said, "Say goodnight to your Tia."

"Night, baby," Lourdes kissed his cheek and then stood to kiss her niece's. "Goodnight, Florectia."

"Good night, Tia," she kissed her back. Walking out of the kitchen, Gloria rolled her neck against her shoulders and winced as her muscles violently spasmed and protested her movements. Adjusting her son in her arms, she smiled as she felt him lean his head against her shoulder. Sometimes it was hard to believe that the cuddly little, guy on her hip was the same terror who would lose his shit because she poured him juice in the wrong colored cup.

Turning on the light in the bedroom that she shared with her four children, she bit the inside of her cheek painfully. She'd been a single mom for some time, but the last few months had dealt her the ugliest hand she'd ever received. The two-bedroom apartment she and her children had called home, had caught on fire in the middle of the night nearly three months ago, and she had lost everything.

Their bedroom now was made up of a queen-sized mattress on the floor, and their dresser was shoved into the closet. She hated that this was what had become of their life, but it was a hell of a lot better than being in a shelter or on the streets. No one aside from Lourdes had even offered her a place to stay after the fire, much less help, and trying to get the child support she was owed from Chris, the girl's father, and Leo, the boy's father, was more complicated than just going out and working endless hours herself. Asking them for anything was impossible. It was like asking someone to cut off their arm.

Looking down at her sleeping children, she smiled a watery smile at the way her eldest son and his two sisters were curled up together like a litter of kittens. She didn't know how they could possibly be comfortable laying haphazardly the way they were, but it was amazing how light and free her heart instantly felt by simply watching them. Her children were her greatest accomplishments, and some days it completely astounded her how different and amazing their personalities were from one another.

Cradling Benny close as she continued to watch her sleeping babies, she felt suddenly overcome with emotion. She didn't feel good enough to deserve them. They deserved so much more than what she could ever give them and realizing that hurt. She wondered if other moms ever felt as tired and clueless as she did. Everyone she had ever seen, seemed to have an order to the madness that made her feel highly inadequate. Every day in her life seemed to differ from the last, and she feared the day her kids would realize what a disappointment she was.

Setting Benny down on the mattress she was careful to be quiet as she crept across the floor. She pulled off her shirt, unclipped her bra, and shimmied out of her wet jeans, tossing them carelessly into the overflowing corner where the laundry basket was. She'd need to find time to get down to the laundromat soon, she was so behind on chores that it was ridiculous.

"Mami," Benny called for as he lay spread out on the mattress like a starfish.

"I hear you, baby." Grabbing her sleeping shirt, Gloria quickly pulled it over her head and reached up to turn off the light from the ceiling fan before squatting down to arrange the blankets over her sleeping angels, tucking it around them she leaned over to kiss each of their heads.

Crawling around to her youngest child, she pulled Benny close and smiled as he nuzzled against her. She stroked her hand through his hair lazily with her right hand and massaged his earlobe with her left. As an infant, it had been the only way she could soothe him back to sleep when he woke up in the middle of the night, and now, nearly four years later, it was still as comforting to him as it was her. She continued her motions, gently easing them both into the blissful abyss of dreamland.


End file.
